From my personal experience I would like to share with all of you what have helped me to live in peace after my daughter was born to heaven, we must open our mind and heart to break with traditional ways to see loss.
1. Here and now
Living in the present moment is liberating, it demands our mind to focus on what is being lived, our new reality. Minfullness or full attention is healing when we stop going back in our memory, to nostalgia. It is not that remembering our children is bad, on the contrary, it is a wonderful source of contact with them. However, staying in that place of pain and longing take us away from peace. So cook while you are cooking, work while you are working, watch a series while you are watching, it allows you to live your own life, resting and distracting, genuinely sharing with your friends, enjoying a nice dish, diving in the pages of a book. Although it may seem hard it is posible and you can start step by step in a conscious way: “This day I’ll be cooking while practicing here and now, paying full attention in the smells, textures, colors and flavors of the food I am preparing. I imagine the many ways I can display my dish and how we will enjoy it during dinner”. Try and let your mind to rest and revitalize with this exercise.
2. It is how it should be
If times of believing haven’t arrived to your life before, it has now. Regardless your religious beliefs, understanding that there is perfect order in existence and in the universe is esencial.There are no mistakes in creation or events, our children await for us in eternity and it is ok. Their moment has been perfect as ours will be, there are no ifs or errors. Pain yes, suffering no. If you have met him you are very blessed, if not you are too very blessed, there is no need to see him physically to love him deeply and eternally. Understanding this truth fills us with the tranquility that our children were called because it is how it has to be and we, even with the pain it represents, accept and respect it.
3. Talking about them
Ignoring or avoiding to talk about our children because they are gone and caused you immense pain is in my experience a big mistake. The more I talk about my daughter with family and friends, the more I get acquainted with this new reality and makes it more natural to accept it. Listening to myself saying the words and feeling her alive in the memories of all makes me feel blessed and grateful, avoiding bringing her to conversation is denying her existence. Don’t be afraid and open up to these loving conversations, try to share from love saying: “My son loved to play with his Teddy bear and it made him laugh out loud” or “I remember how our daughter look alike his father during the ultrasound”. They are gifts from life and talking about their existence out loud when we feel like it makes us free and keep us connected to our love.
4. They are Ok
Knowing that our children are in a place of love and joy brings us peace. If your baby has returned to heaven from your belly we understand that he wasn’t compatible with life, same as if he left due to an illness. As a mother what is most important is that our children are happy and well, even when we are with them or not. Death is a natural moment of perfect peace, it is the body’s rest to return to joy. We are free mothers when we are certain that our children are well, wherever they are.
If you have a religion or life phylosophy do some research on death conception and open your mind so you can see it like more than a fatality.
5. Love of two
Knowing I am being loved by my daughter and loving her back even though I can’t see her physically is what really keeps us united to eternity. Now you understand that to love him deeply you don’t need to see or touch him, if it is possible every day I love her more and more even if she is not by my side. It fills you with peace knowing that this link has not been broken, on the contrary, it has strenghtened after his departure because now you now for sure you love him in all his forms, in all his moments. Forms doesn’t matter, our love is alive.
I hope you consider this reflections as useful and open your mind to find peace after your loss, it is possible. Remember you are deeply loved and that we honor their lives by living our own fully. Smile!