There are absolutely no rules. I have learned that no matter what literature and multiple investigations affirm about the grief process, it doesn’t necessarily has to be lived by the book. It may sound daring, challenging, but basing in the fact that there are no equal griefs due to the different circumstances we can then imagine a different way to live this process.
The world known five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The internet is loaded with information on these stages and you are probably acquainted with this information. I want to emphasize that even though these five stages have been statistically documented we do not have to go through them. Whether you lost your baby in your belly or after being born, I recommend considering the following:
Do not judge yourself
This one is important. It seems as if we have to follow a behavioral pattern after our child born to heaven and to look this or that way but this is not true. During my grief I lived unexplainable experiences that caused me guilt, for example laughing out loud with my sister a few time after saying good bye to my daughter, or practicing horseback riding having fun. I thought I was doing something wrong, that I had no right to have fun or to laugh. Then I realize it was not a sin or a disrespectful action against my daughter but that I was living my grief in my own authentic way. Judging myself constantly for what I was doing, saying or feeling was completely useless, no one can tell you how to live your grief. So if in the middle of this process you find yourself enjoying with your partner, laughing with a friend, entertained with a series or simply enjoying your own existence, it is ok! If you find yourself crying and remembering your child with sadness or nostalgia, it is ok too. If working keeps your mind busy and fills your time, perfect! Do what you feel and do not judge yourself, after all there is nothing written.
Today I feel proud and lucky of having my three children in eternity waiting for me. The first two who only lived on my belly and my third one who passed away at 6 months old due to a heart disease. They are my life treasures and I feel honored for being chosen as their mother, to be their companion in this world for the mission they’ve been given. I am a happy mother to celestial children, as happy as other mothers who have their children in this plane. Being a mother is a life title, it doesn’t depend on the condition of our children. Feel proud of your history as well as their destiny as special as every other. We are special mothers and that fills us with gratitude.
We can honor our celestial children in many ways, in my case I learnt about heart diseases and their importance the moment I received my daughter. Today I make donations to institutes that help and attend Mexican children with heart diseases, by doing this I honor my daughter and contribute to a cause, I identify with this community of parents who are living what we lived. I see ways in which I can get involved and participate in projects that give meaning, that allow my daughter to continue helping from where she is. Ask yourself hoy can you help and honor your baby, there is always a way of doing it.
I put several photos of my daughter at home, when that first Christmas was coming I decorated and put up a little Christmas tree with her things, while I’m driving I sing the songs we played with, I keep her present and I tell her often how much I love her out loud. I have discovered that doing this is not wrong, it is my way of continue coexisting with her. In traditional stages of grief we find what the suffering person goes through but what happens with that other part, the immense love you still feel for your baby. Manifest it in your own style and as you used to do it, maybe those first times you’ll feel weird but the more you do it, the more beauty you’ll find in it. It is about learning to coexist from this new reality, keeping present beyond thinking.
What I propose can seem rare or unusual, however I invite you to consider it so you can live a free grief process, with no pressures or stages to fulfill. Be yourself more than ever, doing so will bring you peace and strength to continue.